Lean into the places that scare you
Fear is a familiar part that shows up in therapy. As we’re getting to know someone, we find ourselves discerning, and may be more guarded and protective. Naturally, a dose of fear helps us assess whether or not the person and relationship is safe and can be trusted.
As we build a relationship of trust, we explore, what does it feel like to know you trust someone? What body sensations do you feel when elements of compassion, non-judgement, deep listening are present? What does it feel like when fear subsides? Within the net of safety and trust, we can start to explore and become more intimate with our relationship to fear.
Fear is an essential survival response to physical and emotional danger. When we experience a threat, our brains are wired to act in self-protection. This innate process has served us as far back as our ancestors, who navigated much greater physical threats. Their survival level instincts turned on in the face of serious threat without so much of a thought, and their survival supported the evolution that led to our being.
In our modern world, we may not be dodging samurais like our ancestors, but nevertheless, there are plenty of ways to feel unsafe in our society. While fear is a human experience, each individual's experience of it and relationship with it varies greatly. The intersection of one’s social locations such as race, class, gender, sexual orientation and ability shapes our experience and threat to one’s safety. Without security, reassurance and support, Trauma lives on in the body and manifests in insidious ways.
Fear shows up in small and even imagined ways. Our nervous system kicks in with a fight, flight or freeze response, always in service of our protection. However, this system can become so sensitive that it becomes activated even in moments when we aren’t in danger. Fear then becomes a barrier to engaging and distances us from being present.
This is where we can start to develop a deeper understanding of fear. Turning our attention inward and towards the fear, we can start to ask questions and be curious, to learn more about it. What is it truly afraid of? When is it triggered and getting in the way? What is needed to feel safe and secure?
When we feel safely held in a therapeutic relationship that is built on trust and safety, we can begin the process of inviting our fear into the room with us. Through noticing and gaining greater awareness of our fear, we can then practice disrupting the moments when fear attempts to turns us away from the work we need to do and instead, learn when it’s okay to trust, and lean into it.